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In and Of the WorldHosted by John ManwaringWith guest Vice President Dick Cheney
JM: My name is John Manwaring, and welcome to this week’s installment of In and Of the World. Today’s installment is particularly special, as we are with our guest at his secure, undisclosed location, alleged Vice President Dick Cheney. Mr. Cheney, good morning. |
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[Continued:]
DC: [Grunts]
JM: Mr. Cheney, pardon my saying so, but can you really consider the M Street Arby’s a secure location? It seems rather a public place to be hiding out from…. Say, who are you hiding out from anyway.
DC: Towelheads. Dykes. Fags. Dumbocrats. The GAO. The SEC. The OBM. Lynne. Dubya.
JM: Lynne? Your wife?
DC: [Grunts]
JM. Ah. Indeed. Well. Perhaps we should take those issues one at a time, eh? To begin, the supposed President made a brief surprise visit to Iraq on Thanksgiving, thanking them for their service and joining them for a traditional Thanksgiving feast. Is this visit a sign that conditions in Iraq are improving, or is it a morale booster designed to stretch the spirits of the men and women serving over there?
DC: Things. They’re good.
JM: No offense, Mr. Cheney, but it’s going to be difficult for me to glean much of anything from this interview if you continue to provide clipped responses. Could you possible elaborate on your answers?
DC: [Grunts]
JM. Uh-huh?
[Cheney stares quizzically at the host, his eyes growing ever wider. He ultimately slumps over onto the floor. The host pulls out a cattle prod, zapping Cheney square in the testicles.]
DC: That was refreshing.
JM: Indeed.
DC: What was your question?
JM: Sigh. Forget it. Moving on, last month the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that the commonwealth’s definition of marriage as solely between a man and woman was narrow and unconstitutional, ordering the legislature to fix the law within six months. What is the administration’s position on this issue, and how will it respond?
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[Continued:]
DC: Queers. We don’t need them. They queer things up. Clinton. He’s a queer. He let fags into the military. They better keep their pole sucking mouths shut. Fags. And marriage. Fag marriage. Fudgepackers can’t get married. They pack fudge. Queers. And rugmunchers. They can’t get married. Nope. They eat carpet. Nope. Can’t have that. They should be human shields. The fewer the better.
JM: [Stunned.] Vice President… I…. Mr. Cheney, isn’t it a fact that your daughter is homosexual? And that your wife wrote an explicit book on lesbian relationships in the Old West? And sir, I think the language you used is a bit crude, and… well, wrong.
DC: Well, uh, the issue at hand is such that our administration can’t tolerate it.
JM: Uh-huh. Well then, moving on… Just recently, the GAO discovered that Halliburton, the company you used to head and still hold massive interests in, severely overcharged coalition forces and Iraqi citizens for crude oil. What is your response to this?
DC: Our troops and the towelheads were given a fair price for that oil. You’ll see. In a few months those audits will show we gave them an excellent price.
JM: How would that be possible?
DC: Paul Wolfowitz is very creative. Great “accountant”.
JM: I see. Well, since we’re on the topic of Halliburton, would you address concerns many people have regarding the no-contest granting of reconstruction contracts to Halliburton? That deals were made before the invasion of Iraq between you and other Halliburton officials behind closed doors?
DC: Nope.
JM: Excuse me… nope?
DC: Yep.
JM: Right then. Ladies and gentlemen thank you for joining me for this week’s edition of In and Of the World. My guest today was “Vice President” DICK Cheney. Have a pleasant day.
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